Lie down mummy.
Not now Sonny.
To bed mummy.
Not yet honey.
Little sad mummy.
I feel funny.
My life with Seamus has been catapulted in to some chaotic nightmare of routines, order and imposed expectations. The ritualistic dance we enact with the waking of each morn sprays grey over our day and life. As I read and absorb the colours of relaxed joy in the pages of natural parenting blogs I invoke natural feelings of anxiety in my heart. I also remember my hopes for Seamus and the reality of our first three years of life together. Years through which we were entwined together and remained beside each other, day and night.
Now we are largely separated as I work full time and he spends days at school and weekends with his daddy. I miss my little one. He misses me. So how to restore some balance to our lives? Better organisation of my time, to free time to be with him? Less time working? More time sharing laughter, stories and snuggles through the night? I had dreamed of home-schooling, extended-attachment parenting. Now he is faced with impositions from the State and my altered state of mind.
All I really long for is for him to roam through the Valleys of his youth gathering the gifts of his experience with an open heart and mind. Just not sure this life, as we currently live it, can offer him that. My task now, in my task-orientated life, is to find a way to slow down the pace of our living and re-capture the moments of his infant-hood with my touch, love and time. If I don't refocus my energies now, I know I will live to regret it.
