Today has been one of those insufferably mediocre days. The kind of day that promised great things: dazzling weather, family outings and work free loveliness, but fell victim to the reality of my negative emotions. Thick, energy sapping feelings that worked to pervade the wonder of the day and crush a little more of my heart's tenuous links to my life and happiness.

Unusually organised I had woken early to the sound of my alarm orchestrated by merry bird-song dancing through the open window. The impossible heat had evoked a restless night and left me clammy. I heaved my sticky body up and thudded into the bathroom. A brief glare in to the mirror offered a momentary glimpse of my puffy face. Disgusted I sat on the cooling rim of the toilet and relieved my bursting bladder.

Without time to ponder too long, I got up and on with the tasks of putting bins out, washing on, hanging washing to dry, morning ramble with kind neighbour, nettle stings from overgrown back street, washing hair, applying my face, de-hairing my body, feeding my child, and generally performing the dance all mothers know as the 'morning slog'.

Garry and Teddy arrived mid-child feeding/pot washing/hair drying. Their arrival gave flight to the first abrogating sensibility of the day - anxiety. Tense, teasing anxiety. Such a desperate character flaw. How could the arrival of my partner, and his boy, evoke such annulling feelings? A state that left me teetering on the cliff edge of disaster throughout the enitre day. The Christening service, the cycle-ride and outdoor picnic at Sheena's were destroyed by my inability to put a lid on it.

It was like an internal waltz with the recusancy of stress, worry, and self-loathing. The fevered chants of anxiety that whirred through my mind gave voice to my short-temper and terrible behaviour. The culmination of this most distatrous of days was in the moment I uttered words to Garry signalling the end of our electric affair.

So now, in the end, I am flooded with deep crushing sorrow and wretched despair at my stupidity. For hurting the man I love with every bit of me. A man I have lost through my lack of reason, sense and a neo-cortex. I am now flowing down the river of regret with no hope of land. Drowning in grief is an apporpriate end for an emotion swamped girl like me.